Frighten the Horses

by Oliver Radclyffe

“A textured, sharply written memoir about coming of age in the fourth decade of one’s life and embracing one’s truest self in a world that demands gender fit into neat boxes.”
Published by Roxane Gay Books

From the outside, Oliver Radclyffe spent four decades living an immensely privileged, beautifully composed life. As the daughter of two well-to-do British parents and the wife of a handsome, successful man from an equally privileged family, Oliver played the parts expected of him. He checked off every box—marriage, children, a stately home in Connecticut, and a golden retriever.

But beneath the shiny veneer, Oliver was desperately trying to stay afloat as he struggled to maintain a facade of normalcy—his hair was falling out in clumps, he couldn’t eat or sleep—until, on an otherwise unremarkable afternoon in September, Oliver woke up and realized the life of a trapped housewife was not one he was ever meant to live. Finally recognizing that he’d spent his entire life denying the deepest truest parts of himself, he began the challenging, messy journey toward self-acceptance, knowing he risked the life he’d built to do so.

Frighten the Horses is a trans man’s coming of age story, about a housewife who comes out as a lesbian and tentatively, at first, steps into the world of queerness. With growing courage and the support of his newfound community, Oliver is finally able to face the question of his gender identity, and become the man he is supposed to be. The story of a flawed, fascinating, gorgeously queer man, Frighten the Horses introduces Oliver Radclyffe as a witty, arresting, unforgettable voice.

"I often think that the entire purpose of a human life is to see if we can somehow get FREE—if we can escape from the rules, expectations, and limitations of our families and our cultures in order to live an entirely different existence than the one that was assigned to us at birth. Frighten the Horses is the inspiring true story of one man's extraordinary journey of escape from the wrong marriage, the wrong gender, the wrong life, in order to become who he was always meant to be. This book is as sharp as razors, but it also pulses with a passionate, desperate, human urgency for truth and liberation. I am deeply grateful to have read it, and my hope is that Oliver's story will free many others, as well."
Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

"The finest literary telling of the experience of gender transition that I’ve ever read.”
Kate Bornstein, author of Gender Outlaw

 
 

Additional praise for Frighten the Horses

  • Jennifer Finney Boylan, author of She’s Not There

    “Wise, generous, and fierce, Frighten the Horses is about more than a change of gender; it’s about the perilous process of accepting the self, in all its gnarly, glorious complexity. Oliver Radclyffe finds more than manhood on his inspiring journey; what he finds, in the end, is his humanity.”

  • Edmund White, author of The Humble Lover

    “In this exquisite memoir of a trans-man, an upper middle-class Englishwoman gives up her country, her status, her wealth, her marriage, her new lesbian identity (and partner) in order to release and achieve her true male self. Oliver Radclyffe would be a major writer no matter what subject he embraced. That he has explored the mysteries of class, gender, and nationality makes Frighten the Horses a heart-felt, cant-free book of universal interest.”

  • Lauren Hough, author of Leaving Isn't the Hardest Thing

    “Frighten the Horses is an extraordinary, richly detailed account of self-realization elevated by Radclyffe's natural storytelling. Oliver Radclyffe writes with both bracing clarity and exquisite tenderness, for his family, his community, and his former self. The result is a powerful, absolutely necessary, and utterly engaging memoir that cannot be put down and will not be forgotten. Frighten the Horses is a gift, to all of us, and should be on every reading list.”

  • Sarah Schulman, author of Let the Record Show

    “This easy-to-read, almost jocular memoir is a tribute to how much the trans trajectory has been transformed by the existence of queer bookstores, lesbian and transmasc books, LGBT centers and their accompanying support groups. And how all of this labor to create infrastructure has succeeded in making transition so much more possible, not only for trans people, but for their parents, children, friends and even ex-husbands. This hopeful retelling of one life, from the post-transition perspective, makes trans a more viable possibility and documents this historical moment of opportunity and resource.”

  • Thomas Page McBee, author of Amateur

    For Oliver Radclyffe, trans becoming is as much about finding himself as it is an awakening to the many gendered narratives that conspire to keep him trapped. Brimming with wry wit, radical candor, and vulnerability, Frighten the Horses is a fearless exploration of the liberation that comes from unwinding the narratives that we don’t choose but so often define us, and the beautiful new futures that exist on the horizon of our imaginations—if we are only willing to risk everything to open our eyes, and really, really look.

  • Tim Murphy, author of Christadora

    A tremendously warm, moving and oh, so Britishly droll account of Radclyffe's tortured and giddy journey to peel back his layers and embody the person he was truly meant to be. Anyone who's struggled with breaking from their own chains and daring to know themselves fully—whether gender-related or otherwise—will find comfort and fellowship in these pages. And hopefully those who have struggled or resisted understanding of what it means to be transgender will have their minds and hearts open, if they only give Radclyffe's incredibly charming and poignant memoir a chance.

  • Sabrina Imbler, author of How Far the Light Reaches

    A blazingly tender memoir of blooming late, changing sex, and choosing joy. Oliver Radclyffe is a compulsively likeable narrator of his life, recounting a winding path toward manhood with valiant wit and vulnerability. No matter how many people hurt or desert him during his transition, Radclyffe continues to move toward love, care, and possibility. Radclyffe’s perspective as a parent is infinitely capacious, detailing the many ways he has been transformed by his four curious, big-hearted children, whose wishes matter just as much as his own. I have no doubt Radclyffe’s life story will remind countless others that it is never too late to live as yourself, without fear. Frighten the Horses is nothing less than a celebration of life.